Follow enough people who talk about college sports on Twitter and you’re going to hear about the “eye test.” The eye test, for those of you unacquainted with it, is a brilliant way to make any baseless argument. All you have to do is say, “[Team X] passes the eye test.” It implies that you’ve watched so much of every relevant team in the discussion that you’re able to distinguish, with your eyes alone, which of them are better than others. It also implies that your eyes are superior enough to overrule any other data point. In short, it’s irrefutable.
Well, All Things NIT has created another test, similar to the eye test in that it is completely baseless and subjective, and also similar to the eye test in that it rhymes with “sky test.” It is even better than the eye test, though, in that it makes your opponent think of dessert, which makes them hungry and weakens their willpower.
It is…The Pie Test™.
To use it, you just associate whatever you’re comparing with different pies, and then compare those pies.
Here’s how teams on the bubble, trying to make the NIT, stack up when compared using the Pie Test™:
Nebraska (Apple Pie)
Nebraska, like Apple Pie, is American, red, and primarily associated with the fall. It still tastes good during the winter, though, so Cornhuskers fans have a good point when they say they aren’t getting enough respect.
Oklahoma State (Pecan Pie)
An underappreciated classic, Oklahoma State, like Pecan Pie, just gets better the longer things go.
Arizona State (Coconut Pie)
Arizona State, like Coconut Pie, is sometimes really good. Other times, it’s really bad!
Notre Dame (Turtle Pie, served from a pie plate coated in gold leaf)
Notre Dame is expensive, decadent, and over-the-top. Tastes pretty good, though!
Marquette (Turtle Pie, served on a paper plate, and the whipped cream wasn’t fully whipped so the whole thing’s really runny and gross)
Hey, Marquette’s trying. Give them a break.
Middle Tennessee State (Key Lime Pie)
A lot of people will tell you that Middle Tennessee State is good, but when you think critically about it, does Key Lime Pie really have a lot going for it?
Alabama (Peach Pie)
A lot of people like Alabama basketball. Peach Pie is pretty good. Most wouldn’t get worked up enough about either to fight you on it.
USC (Lemon Meringue Pie)
I have no idea how good USC or Lemon Meringue Pie is. Some people say both are great! Others say both stink. Pick your poison.
Baylor (Sweet Potato Pie)
I frequently forget Baylor exists. I didn’t know Sweet Potato Pie existed until today. Both exist!
Oklahoma (Pumpkin Pie)
Pumpkin Pie is a real classic, but it takes a lot of heat from the haters.
Louisville (Bourbon Pie)
Back in the prohibition days, moonshiners in Kentucky would sneak Bourbon past the po-po by calling it Bourbon Pie (editor’s note: this is false). Bourbon’s pretty good, but it isn’t actually pie…does it pass the Pie Test™?
St. Mary’s (Meat Pie)
Meat Pie is really different and I don’t know how to compare it to these other pies.
Syracuse (French Silk Pie)
Syracuse can be pretty good. You used to think French Silk Pie was better.
All Things NIT 